Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Hill Run

I am feeling pretty pleased with myself since I have stayed on my training schedule for an entire 10 days! This is something of a miracle given how crazy things are at work and home, but I've forced myself out of bed, I have dragged myself off the couch in the evening, and somehow I've managed to fit it all in. Of course these are famous last words... and I am betting that my swim and row may not happen tomorrow. For now I shall pat myself on the back and be pleased that I just got off the bike after doing a disastrous hill run this morning.

My hill run is actually why I'm writing this post. Yes, it was a disaster in that I could not have predicted how slow I would be on the hill repeats, and yes, I am sort of embarrassed by that, but I did indeed do the run, and then came home to a crazy, mad house as Raf and Rich were up by the time I walked in the door.

What was most troubling about the run, though, was not my times (yes, they did kind of suck), but the running commentary that I have in my head as I run. It's not kind commentary, such as 'Al, you can do this, you are a super star, you are going to crush this hill', it's closer to 'OhmyGod I am dying and I want to stop, I'm going to stop, I can't carry on, I want to die, why am I out here, I suck, I wanttostopIwanttostopIwanttostop....' I have to admit that it's not effective, and this morning I actually tried to compel an image of myself floating up the hill, but I have to say that that was a complete failure, too. The loudness of 'I cannot do this, I want to stop' was so overwhelming that a cacophony of positive voices does very little to help.

My tendency is to set the bar very low for myself. I do think that this is sometimes a good idea, yet I do have less-conscious and amorphous desires to do better, to be much better. I don't just do it when I do sports, i do it in many areas of my life. I think it can be quite paralyzing, though, because I run away from 'tests'. So I avoid races, I don't work on my book manuscript, I don't put myself in risky situations too much. I really want to change this about myself, but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon with that commentary.

I do wish that my thoughts about myself were a little more kind and forgiving, and that I could take risks without worrying about failing or making a fool of myself. I don't really fear what others think, but I do worry about giving my sub-consciousness even more fodder.

1 comment:

  1. i hear you. likewise, of course.

    you know sometimes i will start an internal dialogue with that discouraged voice. it's usually not the only part, even if it's the loudest. my answers back on the hill might be along the lines of:

    of course im doing this
    8 more to go
    i'll feel so good when i'm done

    ew i just realized it's like being your own cheerleader haha.